Are you happy? Can you be happy without success? Can you be happy when you still haven’t reached that lifelong goal? Have you ever thought “I’ll be happy when….I get that promotion, my bank account is at XXX dollars, when I have a bigger house, a leaner physique”? You are not alone. Humans tend to chase the notion of happiness. We keep moving the goalpost and missing out on the here and now; holding our breath for that moment when we achieve the ultimate goal…then…only then…we believe that happiness will appear.
It’s not our fault. We were raised to believe that if we grow up, get a good job, find a good mate, establish a family and earn the right amount of money, we should be happy. A shame really that this notion has been so deeply ingrained. Attaining goals will rarely lead to happiness. Happiness is not a destination. What actually is happiness then?
Happiness is near impossible to define. I know I am unable to summarize what “happiness” is. I can tell you some of the things it is not. It is not something we can chase and it is not we arrive at. It does not depend on money, things, awards or accolades. It cannot be brought to you or taken from you by other people or situations. I believe we confuse life contentment with happiness which we also confuse with joyful feelings.
Feelings, as we know, are not permanent. They come and go. We can feel joy one moment and then the next we feel sadness or irritability. The absence of a joyful feeling can leave us feeling “unhappy”. And then we question everything. Are we happy? If we are not, where did we go wrong? If we waited and reflected (versus reacting to that feeling or emotion) we might see that we actually are content with life. What is happening in the moment is a negative feeling and that will pass. All very confusing and circular, right? I KNOW!
This has left me trying to understand what it is that leads to being happy. The pursuit of this has not been easy, and at times downright confusing. In my line of work as a doctor, I am privileged to hear about the struggles people experience and how they bounce back ( or don’t). How they rise above or sink lower. How they keep their chin up or bury their head and sink deeper. It’s left me reflecting. How do some people seem so unhappy when they “have it all”? And others who have very little, plus major health stress, family trauma etc still seem to be content?
This notion of happiness has been surging around my brain. The last two books I have read has been 10% Happier by Dan Harris and The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor. Turns out, people actually research happiness and how to achieve ultimate life contentment, regardless of situation. From a lot of observing, reading and thinking, I have come to believe that happiness is a choice. A choice we need to choose over and over again.
Making the choice to be happy requires various practices. It requires the ability to keep coming back to a certain frame of mind. To stay positive, when slipping into negativity and taking a victim role might come more naturally. To look for the bright side. It has to be a constant practice. A mission for your life. A worthwhile mission for your life. One that benefits you, those you love and your pursuits.
It turns out that our brains are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative or even neutral, but when they are positive. Shawn Achor’s The Happiness Advantage is a worthwhile read to help not only understand why a positive growth mindset is the key to feeling better. He provides seven principles for success and performance at work and in life. Happier people achieve more!
One of my favorite principles of his, the one which I will spend the rest of the blog speaking on, is one that answers a common question. How can I be happy in the face of difficulty? Even worse, how can I choose happiness when I fail. He has coined the term failing up to summarize a receptive and optimistic approach to failure. In no way does he suggest that you should celebrate a failure. That would simply be weird.
Rather he teaches and helps us understand a way to look at and accept failure so we can move up (not down) in spite of adversity. In his book Achor states: On every mental map after crisis or adversity, there are three paths. One that keeps circling around where you currently are (i.e., the negative event creates no change; you end where you start). Another path leads you toward further negative consequences (i.e., you are far worse off after the negative event; this path is why we are afraid of conflict and challenge). And one, the Third Path, that leads us from failure or setback to a place where we are even stronger and more capable than before the fall.
By choosing the third path, we look at what happened and think about the next step or series of steps could help regain our feeling of power and to grow. What next step could lead us towards improving the situation so that we are left stronger in this area?
An easy example to think about is failing a big exam. Students with an optimistic outlook will not play the victim, they will not lie around sulking or blaming the test or the instructor. They will accurately appraise that the outcome was not as they’d hoped for, however, they would see it as information and opportunity. Information to guide them towards becoming better in this subject. They will start attending all lectures and taking better notes. They will spend more time studying and less time on social media. And likely they will excel in the next test. In the span of life, they will begin to put in more effort and realize that this one failure led to many more successes in the long run. Perhaps they will find a home in this subject area and go on to become a professor. A failure when taken on like this leads to failing up. Without the failure the person would not have developed or grown in the same way.
If you have often found failures getting you completely off track, not to worry. One’s personal approach to adversity is modifiable at any phase of life. Next time adversity strikes, see how you might be able to appraise it differently. Is there a hidden opportunity? How can something positive come of this? Can I help myself or others with the information gained from this difficult situation? Keep some of the power and feel better able to come up when life throws difficulty your way. We all know there is no shortage of difficulties. We all know that the smooth frictionless ride we fantasize about lives in the land of unicorns. And I don’t think you’d want it anyways. You’d end up unchallenged, bored and unhappy.
Keen to learn more? I definitely recommend adding The Happiness Advantage and 10% Happier to your reading (or listening) list. Changing your approach to life’s obstacles can change how you feel day to day. Keep your power and repeatedly choose to see the bright spots through the darkness. Use the failure as information to determine next steps. Build resilience and toerance for the tough stuff. Even better, look at failure as an opportunity to grow. Next time you fail, fail up!
Feedback is always welcome. Email me: michelle@crossfitdefy.com
Until next time,
Dr. Michelle